Why is it important to explore your kinks and fetishes? Historically, fetishes have been seen as a mental disorder, deemed taboo and pathological. However, as long as all parties involved are consenting adults, then practicing kink and enjoying your fetish can be a powerfully positive addition to your sex life, and BDSM practitioners have even been found to have good mental health and higher subjective wellbeing.
Often the distress actually comes from the shame that society imposes on us. It’s also worth knowing that aftercare — the emotional and physical care you give each other after a scene — plays a huge role in managing that. We’ve covered exactly how to do that well. So if you have a kink you want to explore, or a fetish you want to fulfil, shame-free, you’re in the right place.
If we were to list out every different kink and fetishes that exists out there in the world, we might be here all day. However, many of them fall under (but are not limited to) four main themes:
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A kink is broadly defined as non-conventional sexual practices. As sex educator Ruby Rare explains in an episode of the podcast In Touch, these conventions are often simply “defined by society”. Kink covers anything outside of vanilla sex.
A fetish, on the other hand, is more to do with the sexual gratification linked to an activity, object, or fantasy. While kinks can add a spice of life to your sexual play, fetishes offer a term to describe a strong liking that may (or may not) be required for sexual fulfilment. While the two often overlap, the main difference is typically that a fetish is seen as a need, while a kink is more of a preference.
Why do people have fetishes?
According to Social Psychologist Justin Lehmiller, there are four main theories:
- Brain-overlap: One of the most common fetishes is podophilia, the foot fetish. Some believe that there are overlapping regions in your brain, one of which connects the feet to the genitals.
- Pavlovian: When you’re in a high state of arousal, you may become conditioned to other typically non-sexual things; learning by association. For example, in the 60s, men who were shown naked women wearing only boots, eventually became aroused by just the boots.
- Gross-out: Another theory suggests that during arousal, your “disgust impulse weakens” says Lehmiller. This means that things you’d usually find disgusting are open to interpretations of arousal.
- Pain-pleasure: Finally, our pleasure and pain systems are tightly interconnected. Findings show that similar endorphins are released, and in the right contexts i.e. during an erotic interaction, painful infliction can be felt as extremely pleasurable.
Bondage (the B in BDSM) is a hugely popular practice. It can be seen as a soft entry into kink by more mainstream circles—with handcuffs as a common novelty toy.
Whether you want to let go of control, or take it, it is a simple vehicle for playing with power, which can be hugely arousing.
The beauty of this kink is, while many people might be into the feeling of being restrained or restraining someone else, every person will have their own preference for the type bondage.
For example, you might be into restraining someone with your body, or hands, such as pinning them down, or holding them in a headlock, or arm restraints. We’ve mentioned handcuffs, but there are also alternative restraints such as silk ties, and bondage tape.
Or perhaps your method of choice is rope play, which can allow for a wholly different experience for both the rigger (the person doing the tying up) and the rope bunny (the person being tied up). The ancient Japanese art of bondage tying is called Shibari, and when it is taken down a more emotional and sensual path that is called Kinbaku.
The feeling of being restrained, particularly by rope, can allow for a meditative and healing experience. And not to mention, while all-tied-up, you can also enjoy the added bonus of other kinks, such as forced orgasms.
However, If you’re into edging or orgasm denial, chastity devices might be your restraint method of choice — and if you want a full guide to how to use sex tech for edging and orgasm control, we’ve got you covered. Just be sure to not get yourself locked in.
Pleasure and pain activate the same parts of the brain, releasing similar hormones, so it’s no wonder why these two are so interconnected, and so sought after in the kink world. Depending on the context, your brain can register pain as “good pain” or “bad pain”.
Good pain could be a spank, a pinch, or a hair pull. It activates the nervous system, and in a sexual scenario, endorphins are released and the initial pain is blocked and turned into a rush of pleasure sensations.
Bad pain is when something isn’t quite right, as professional sadist, Mistress Alexandra explains to the BBC, this is “something we have to pay instant attention to.” For example, “when the shoulder starts pulling during bondage, that’s potentially unsafe so we release it.”
It’s also worth noting that everyone’s preferences and thresholds are going to be different. What might be good pain for one person, may feel not so good for another. So communication, as in any kink scene, is essential. Know your limits and have safe words in place. It’s also worth thinking about aftercare before the scene starts, not just after — we’ve written a full guide on why aftercare is the most important part of any BDSM scene if you want to go deeper.
Exploring the different types of pain can be a great way to test out what your preference and thresholds are.
You might love electrostimulation—which involves electrical stimulation sent to a particular body part—for example, in which case, what body part would you like to explore this pleasure-pain sensation? You can use a pinwheel over your entire body, a clitoral stimulator for electrostimulation of the genitals, or electrostimulating nipple clamps, or a paddle for your butt.
If nipple torture is your thing, you have the options for suckers, vibrators, or clamps.
If you’re a butt person, what type of spanking paddles does your derriere desire? Leather sensations, wood, metal? For the hardcore amongst us, it might be worth investing in some calming cream to soothe those sweet cheeks.
Some people enjoy getting dressed up for the occasion, with lingerie or stockings, but erotic roleplay takes it that step further, where you can embody another character entirely. The beauty of this is it allows you to play with new energies and power dynamics that you’d struggle to access as “yourself”.
Do you have a fantasy for a person in uniform? Or perhaps you’ve always wanted to explore the dominant and submissive dynamic but could never quite dare to. Once you discuss what roles you want to play, you can invite costumes and props into the bedroom, such as blindfolds, feather ticklers, soy wax candles.
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In the fetish world, there are a whole host of philias. Philia by definition is the fondness for a specific thing — and while some of these may seem out of the ordinary, having a fetish is entirely common and worth exploring without shame. The exclamation mark has been removed per house style (one per article maximum).
Here we will specifically be talking about Urophilia, commonly known as watersports or golden showers, and Podophilia, foot fetishes.
For those into feet, you’re far from alone — it’s consistently found to be one of the most common fetishes out there. For some it’s the look, feel or smell with or without stockings and shoes, for others it’s the taboo, and some it’s simply the act of feet on genitals that is the turn on. However, if you don’t have a partner who is GGG (that’s Dan Savage’s shorthand for good, giving, and game), or you simply want to explore this on your own, you can enjoy a foot fetish masturbator.
If you’re more into exploring more lubricious kinks, like shower sex, watersports, or warm oil experiences, you’ll want to invest in waterproof sex toys, and possibly waterproof mats or PVC bedsheets to make sure your floor and furniture stay protected.
So whatever tickles your pickle, it’s worth making those fantasies a reality. If you’re brand new to all of this and want to know where to start with body-safe toys, our first sex toy guide is a smart place to begin.
Read next: Lubricant Guide: Different Lube Types, and the Best to Use on Your Toys
